The Costanza Parking Lot Theory

I’m pretty new to this whole “blogging” thing, so I figured that I would make my way into the colourdesign.ca world of culture by following the advice of every writer/teacher I’ve ever spoken to: Write about what you know. I could think of no better way to follow up the big dog’s pizza recipe (and whatever else happens to have made its way on here between writing and posting) with something of which I have a profound amount of information and experience. I know porn. Thus, I will write about porn. According to www.techcrunch.com, $89 is spent on porn EVERY SECOND! This raises an incredibly important question: Why the hell are you (and judging by the fact that you happen to be online right now, combined with the statistic above, you have quite likely paid for internet porn at some point) still paying for porn? I personally subscribe to the George Costanza method when it comes to my lonely carnal needs. As I’m sure some of you remember, George Costanza equated paying for parking when somewhere out there, there’s a spot on the street for free to buying a prostitute when there’s likely a woman out there who is either drunk enough or has low enough self-esteem to sleep with you (I’m paraphrasing of course). In this, stocky balding neurotic George was absolutely correct. There is such an abundance of absolutely free porn floating around out there that you’d have to be out of your damn melon to pay for it! The sheer quantity of disgusting/arousing awesomeness out there for absolutely gratis will guarantee that you will never have to go another night without that intoxicating combination of shame/pleasure/self-loathing again. So put away your wallet, light a few scented candles, turn the lights down low, throw on Busta Rhymes’ hit solo-debut “Woo Hah! Got you all in Check”, press the repeat button, and treat yourself to the hours and hours of free perverted mess that is out there on the internet. My name is Phil Seminoff, and I love free porn. It’s nice to meet all of you.

As an aside, before I part, I just wanted to clear up the whole "Woo Hah!" song choice mystery. You see, the title of Busta's debut album, upon which "Woo Hah!" appeared, was entitled "The Coming". See what I did there? Hilarious and crass. Two birds. Phil, out.